Dear God,

Dear God,

I am so discouraged!    It seems the whole world is against me unless they need or want something.   My son is out of my home and my daughter is unborn.  Her daddy is absent, but does not want me to find her a forever family.    I cannot go through this again.   I cannot loose another baby.    This is worse than death. 

Nobody understands me Lord.   Nobody gets that I can't see my son when he wakes up, or tuck him in at night.    I never get to ask him what he wants for breakfast or tell him have a great day at school.   These are things I miss these are things I can't get back.   I do not want to be a visitor in his life.   I want to be fully present.   No one will let me.  So I have to settle for "it is what it is."   And "I can only do what I can do." But it s not  enough.    I want to be his supermom, but I m looked down upon by others.  I feel their disappointment in me bleed through him. Their judgement cuts through him and  bleeds out onto me like a battle wound.    I feel my heart literally breaking in two every day.   It does not get better with time only worse.   For I am watching him grow up as an understudy when I want to be the leading role in his life.     I'm affraid this is not only hurting me, but hurting him as well.    Liam will grow up with not just one parent missing but two.   He will long for his immediate family if not already.  

I am doing all I can to keep the peace Lord.  

"Blessed are the peace makers, for they are the children of God. Matthew 5:9".  I am not doing my job Lord as the peace maker you call me to be.    I am not.  My hurt is bleeding out of me like a battlewound onto all that I love especially Liam.  I pray Lord, I pray to be a peace maker always.  No matter what happens in my life.  I know it takes more strength to be the peace maker than the warrior.     I want to do this for my broken heart, and for all the unbroken hearts.   Let me be one of the peace makers to save the innocent, the afflicted, the broken hearted, and the shamed.   Let me do my job even with my broken heart.  Let my broken heart heal a little every time I keep the peace.   Let my broken heart heal, so I can be closer to you Lord and love you more intimately.    Let me be closer to you for my Liam and my Kailey.    Help me to keep the peace by realizing they are in your hands no matter what happens.  This is my hurt.  This is my prayer, oh Lord, for you to heal my hurt.     Amen